What I’m Learning (A Letter To Myself) – September 2017

Dear Mahmoudat,

I love that you are revelling in your imperfection. You are in a space of acceptance, one where vulnerability and courage lead you instead of fear and doubt. You will make mistakes, that is guaranteed. And some days you’ll see red and cry your eyes out.

Cry when you need to. There is no shame in that.

But most days you will throw your head back in laughter. Typical belly full Mahmoudat laughter. It’s what you love to do. Other days you’ll be caught off guard in the small moments, reminded of Allah and humbled by love. That which you feel from others and that which flows from you. You will practice more gratitude with sincerity because you truly realise how blessed you are.

You will remind yourself to record moments.

Experiences with the people that fill you up.

The ones that make you question, reflect, arch your eyebrows in the way that everyone around you seems to find funny. You are struggling with journaling consistently and sometimes you beat yourself up for not holding onto these memories. This month you are also grateful for friends. The ones that see you. Whose journey you feel connected to.

Some days you’ll wake up tired. Fatigued not because you’ve worked too much, in fact, it’s the opposite right now. You worry you’re too complacent. Wasting time. And despite the lows you feel at times, you keep hanging on because you know your Allah is ever present.

You’re making small breakthroughs in establishing the intimacy you want with Allah.

Still a far cry from where you want to be but always reminding yourself of the baby steps. You’re currently obsessed with private moments in the Qur’an- thanks to Wissam Sharieff’s Prophetic Dynasty series – and it motivates you and reminds you of who Allah is. And some days you feel like you’re taking several steps back and you worry about your Iman.

You’re thinking about death often. Whether this is normal you don’t know but it’s constantly on your mind that your time on earth is limited. But the biggest lesson this month came at a moment unexpected, and Allah reminded you of the meaning of trusting in him. That when one entrusts his affair to Allah, he or she internalises that the affair has been left in the hands of the one who has control over everything.

I love you Mahmoudat. Every day for trying. That you can always say. That in the midst of it all, you are still trying.

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